If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Buhtt sex?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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