What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
