I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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