i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
