Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
