So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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