Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
