Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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