dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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