but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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