last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
birth control should be required to get into college
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
