you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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