Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
