Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
