8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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