Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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