I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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