If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am spending my child support on dildos
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
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