i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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