I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
