toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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