you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
