I think I died a long time ago.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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