Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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