i don't like sucking hair
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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