the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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