That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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