So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
