that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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