I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
