Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
