Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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