Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
