my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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