it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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