Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dignity is for republicans.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
