This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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