it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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