How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
