I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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