First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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