I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
