why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i have two assholes
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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