Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
