soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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