I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
