the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
