Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize