Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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