so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
