Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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