It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize