I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize