my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
