Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
