I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
