gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize