I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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