When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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