that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
