Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
