yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
be right there i have to get my cape
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
