Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
