New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
