We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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