I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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