i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
