You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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