i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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