dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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