You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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