U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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